Managing Conflict

I honestly can’t remember what any of our arguments have been about. Even sitting here actively trying to recall – it’s just not coming to me. There used to be “a big blowup” once a month or so.  Perhaps I was the type to bottle things up until they came exploding out.  Or maybe it was a power struggle, PMS, or fear-based?   I didn’t want conflict, but somehow I kept finding myself in it.  All couples argue, right?

Hours were spent scouring the internet looking for clues as to why it happens, and how to fix it.  There’s still a folder on my browser full of articles on communication, active listening, and empathy.  For the better part of a year, I was convinced that it was how he was responding to me (invalidation) that was setting me off.  If only he could learn how to validate my feelings, everything would be okay.

Learning about communication on the internet can be very confusing.  For every article in favor of a technique, there is another rejecting it.  I once read this article, which states “One of the most common pitfalls is trying to help ‘solve the problem’.”  The light bulb went off, and that sentence looked like the answer to all my problems.  I nodded my head while reading the rest, and thought that he just needed to stop trying to fix my problems!  In hindsight I see that learning from couples who have low/no conflict in their relationships would have been better. Reading those articles on the internet were validating my negative behaviors and making things worse.

He didn’t want to argue, either.  I’ve learned that when I lost my shit, he was thinking “how can I fix this?”  He was not actively trying to hurt my feelings, or pick fights.  He just wanted a happy girl again.  Is that too much to ask for?  I don’t think so.  It’s a good thing that he’s thinking of my happiness.  I was the instigator in all of our arguments.

The first step to finally overcoming conflict was for me to accept that it was my problem, and was not in any way good or acceptable to continue.  I started being more aware of when it was coming, and diffusing the situation either before it started, or shortly after.  I’ve gotten more confident in my ability to control myself over the last few months, and was able to promise Jesse that he’d never see that crazy lady again.

Here’s a list of what has worked for me.

• Go for a walk, and think about all the things you like about him. Don’t return until you are genuinely smiling and grateful again.  Be sure to tell him something before leaving, such as “I’m getting emotional, so I’m going to go walk it off”.  Ensure your strong emotions aren’t influencing your tone overmuch.
• Really think about how you phrase things.  If your husband is starting to get defensive, then you’ve worded something badly.  This is when you should own your shit and apologize.  No if or buts added.  “Sorry I said ____. I was wrong.”  I’ve found this to diffuse the situation and turn the atmosphere into one of love and peace.
• If you can’t think of a positive, non-critical way to say something, then don’t say anything at all.  Wait a few days to see if it even matters to you still.
• Sulking is bad.  It’s a cry for attention and not at all attractive.  If you need attention that bad, then just ask for it!
• Hug him often.  Women get fearful and insecure when they go extended periods without physical contact.  Hug him at least a few times a day and keep the physical connection going.
• Fill your mouth with water and swish it.  I read this posed as a joke, but found it actually works – and it’s hilarious to witness.  If you’re ever feeling mad about something obviously stupid, go fill your mouth with water and keep swishing.  It will keep you from complaining, and it won’t be long before you’re trying not to laugh over the ridiculousness of it.
• Don’t complain to him unless you want him to fix it.  If you really have to vent and rant about something, give him a heads up.  “I just want to rant for a few moments and get this off my chest” works. Get it out, thank him for listening, then get on with your day.
• If he says something that hurts, remember that men speak more harshly and directly than women do.  It’s easy to get overly offended when it’s coming from a person whose opinion you trust and respect.  Ask yourself – if it had come from a stranger, would you have been hurt?  If the answer is no, then you’re probably just being too sensitive.  If the answer is yes, then say “ouch” or “that hurt”. You want him to be able to speak freely without being weary of your reaction, especially if you want an honest answer about that dress looking good or not.

Weight Loss

After meeting Jesse, we both wanted me to lose some more weight, especially before having children.  Being overweight can mess with your fertility, and it’s better to establish healthy eating habits prior to pregnancy.  Plus I want to have a healthy, fit body – and maintain it for life.  There is SO much diet and fitness advice on the internet that it can be overwhelming for most.  So I’m sharing what is working for me.

Calorie counting apps:  (Yes, you really do need to count calories to lose weight.)

•  Myfitnesspal is the most popular app.  I found it difficult to use when most of your entries are unprocessed, homemade meals.  Myfitnesspal is like FaceBook for dieters – there is an extensive social network that can help keep you accountable.
• Simple Calorie Count is a great app if you’re used to writing down your daily calorie intake in a journal.  Just as it’s name suggests, it’s a simple, bare-minimum app.
• Cron-O-Meter is my favorite app, and is the one I’m currently using.  The recipe builder is superb – after adding in the ingredients, the program knows the weight of your recipe.  You can then weigh your homemade foods and have accurate calorie and nutritional information.  This app will show you every nutrient you ate in a day, and which foods they came from.

Videos:

• Forks Over Knives is a documentary based on The China Study, and was our main motivation behind changing to a plant-based, low-meat diet.
• Fed Up is an excellent documentary on the negative effects of our sugar-laden modern diet.

My diet:

• Mostly vegan diet.  I still eat small quantities of meat and fish.  I keep diary to under 5% of my diet.
• Low/no sugar diet.  This includes artificial sweeteners, honey and syrups.  I do still have fruit, but keep it to a minimum.
• Most of my protein is coming from beans, nuts, and protein powder. I’m eating 60 – 100 grams a day.
• My macros are ideally 20% protein, 30% fat, and 50% carbohydrates. I’m focusing more on total calories at the time.
• I’m eating 10-11 calories per pound of body weight.  The Fitbit, which I’ll go into more below, combined with Cron-O-meter help me stay at a daily 500 calorie deficit.

Exercise:

• The Fitbit Charge HR has helped me with calorie counting, and with monitoring my sleep.  The fitbit can be linked with either myfitnesspal or Cron-O-Meter and the actual daily calories burned will go into your calorie counting app.  You can gradually increase the activity goals over time to encourage yourself to be more active.  I love looking in the program and seeing the workout calendar with all the check marks!
• Strong Curves: A Woman’s Guide to Building a Better Butt and Body  This book was recommended to me by several women, and I’m so glad I decided to buy it.  It’s a program that can work no matter your current body – even if you’re overweight, you can get started with building a strong yet feminine body and lose weight in the process.  I’ve just finished my third week of following the best butt bodyweight plan and I’ve lost two pounds – and that’s with Thanksgiving!

So far this year I have lost 37 pounds.  Only 27 left before I reach my goal weight!  I’ve taken before pictures, and can’t wait to share them once I meet my goal.

Who Does the Dishes?

It’s a source of arguments for many couples.  I’ll admit having had tiffs in the past over chore division, including dishes.  In the current equality-based culture of tit-for-tat, couples often get stuck on evenly dividing the chores.  Is such a thing even possible?  Should it be?

I always figured that whoever cooks dinner shouldn’t have to do the dishes.  So after moving in with Jesse, I proudly proclaimed him as in charge of the dishes.  He’s actually better at it, to be honest.  I’m more likely to be satisfied with a quick rinse, while he uses enough soap and scrubbing to satiate even the greatest of germophobes.

Over time, I found myself mentally criticizing how he does the dishes. Must he use so much soap?  That sponge is too dirty.  Those dishes have been in the sink too long.  He always leaves things drying too long.  Enough thoughts like that and you’ll be on the fast train to resentment-land.

One of my biggest fears is forming resentment (I’ve been there and it’s not pretty).  So when those aforementioned negative thoughts became more common, I did some introspection and first asked myself: “What is it that I want him to do?”  Notice how I crossed out that bit about him?  You want to keep the focus on yourself, and what you can do.  Ultimately what I wanted was to maintain a clean and inviting kitchen.  This is something that is within my power to have without resorting to controlling behaviors.

After learning much from Red Pill Women, one of my mantras has been “you can control yourself, but you can’t control those around you”.  I was feeling urges to control how he does the dishes.  Just because he does it differently, does not mean it is wrong.  It’s just contrary to my way of doing things.  If you want it done your way, then you should do it yourself.

So I switched the dishes to being part of my daily chores.  I didn’t tell him this, or make a big deal of it – just did what needed to be done.  If there are dry dishes in the dishwasher, I put them away.  If there are a few things in the sink, I washed them.  He often beats me to it now, and I be sure to thank him for helping me.  I don’t criticize how he does it.  The result – peace.  I feel grateful when he does the dishes now, rather than critical.

This week I’ve noted the time it takes to do the dishes.  In just ten minutes the dishwasher was unloaded, reloaded, and a few dishes were hand-washed.  Ten minutes!  To think that people, my past-self included, actually have arguments over this!   You could do the dishes in the time it takes to discuss it.

I’ve proselyted from my old view of “she who cooks shall not clean”.  It makes more sense for the one who cooks to do the cleaning.  People are more likely to make a mess if they know they don’t have to clean it up. You evolve over time to clean while you cook.

Musings on Video Games

Jesse is an avid, long-term gamer.  Shortly after meeting him, he was playing a game called World of Warcraft (WoW).  It looked like a fun and easy game for girls to play, so I decided to stealthily learn to play it, then surprise him with my awesome gaming abilities.  How hard could it be?  After making a free trial account, I realized just how much of a newbie gamer one can be (and I learned the word “noob”).  It was making me kind of sick to move the character about, and I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to do.

Out went the ninja plan and I asked him for help.  Turns out male gamers really enjoy teaching girls how to play games.  A second workstation was set up at his place, and that’s where I did most of my learning.  He taught me the correct way to move about in the world so that I didn’t get vertigo.  We had a fabulous laugh when I asked him what the “acorns” were.  Turns out those were actually copper pieces that pass for money in that fantasy world.  The next year was spent making discoveries and playing together in our spare time.

Playing a video game and getting really good at it was exciting.  My ex-husband was a gamer who had tried to get me into it, but his attempts fell flat and he would pick on me for being such a bad gamer.  Maybe I was a real gamer after all, I thought!  So I asked Jesse “am I a real gamer, yet?”  Of course he said “no”, because WoW is a relatively easy game in it’s modern format.  It became a jest over the years to ask and get the “no” response.

In 2013, Final Fantasy VII  (FF) had a beta test for a new version of their online game, and it looked like something I’d like to try.  Jesse signed up for the test as well, and we both got in.  FF was a whole different world, yet similar to WoW in some ways.  A difference experience was had, because with this game we were both playing it for the first time.  I learn more through doing and experiencing, and his attempts to help me along were being taken as unwelcome interference.   There was a power struggle over how to do things.  My ego was getting in the way, believing that accepting help meant I was a lesser gamer (which is irrational, since I am a lesser gamer).  Eventually I learned to step back and accept his advice and guidance.  He does know more about these things, after all – and once in the position of “teacher”, he’s likely to stay there.  He feels good when I take his advice or follow his lead in a game.

I’ve made more of an effort to play different games, some with him and some without.  I believe it’s important to have some shared hobbies in relationships, although many argue that video games shouldn’t be considered a hobby (I’m not one of them).  I’ve been playing games with him that are very unfamiliar in the hopes of putting him back in the “teacher” position that he so loves.   No more asking “am I a real gamer, yet?”  Just living in the moment, and enjoying this time doing something fun that he’s passionate about.

Recently he showed me a trailer video for the game The Witcher 3.  It looked so interesting that I got goosebumps.  I mustered up the courage to buy it, and started getting really into it!  After a few hours worth of play spread over a couple of days, Jesse looks over and says “Kitten, you’re a real gamer now.  You’ve played that game for hours, it’s hard, and you’ve played without any help.”

I’m a real gamer now!!

Ladies, don’t criticize your men for playing too many video games.  Laura Doyle lists video game addiction as a “red flag you can ignore”.  Instead, ask to learn  and join in!  Video games will give you excellent practice in managing frustration, and learning to follow his lead, even when you don’t want to.  Perhaps one day you’ll be a real gamer, too!